Monday, May 11, 2009

Out of Africa........

Let me introduce myself to you, I’m Vince the vulture, that’s me in the pic above, and this is my story so far. I’m sitting in a tree in Africa minding my own business when I get a text message on my birdberry. What do you know, it’s from my third cousin removed Charlie the crow, I haven’t heard from him in ages. He moved with the family a few years back to North America, there were slim pickings in Africa for crows, we vultures pretty much ruled the roost and still do. So I start reading the message, Charlie has a hot tip for me, seems one of his crownies has heard that there’s a big feed happening at a place called the TD Banknorth Garden. Bear actually, 24 of them. Too much for the local crow gang to handle, they need to bring in the big guns. He wants to know if I'm interested. I text him back, I need a bit more info. Are they already dead I asked? No he texts back, not yet, but they’re on their last legs and are very weak, death's imminent in the next day or two. I’m starting to salivate; I haven’t had bear in years. This also gives me a chance to use some of the Vulture Vouchers South African Airways handed out when Nelson Mandela was elected back into office. The whole country was in celebration, everybody got a little something, not even the wildlife was overlooked. I text Charlie back, tell him I'll be there as soon as I can. So I take care of some last minute details, pack a few things, a set of PJ’s, and a big bottle of Scope. Between you and I my breath has been known to knock fellow buzzards off shitwagons. I get to the airport, board the plane and settle in for my long journey. Hours later the plane lands in Boston, I grab my bag and set out. Now I’m getting really hungry, those snack packs on the plane just didn’t hit the spot, I’m getting me some bear and lots of it. I finally arrive at the Banknorth. Once inside I find a nice comfy perch in the rafters, doesn’t matter for how long, patience is one of my virtues and I have plenty of it. I wait and wait and I wait. Hours go by, the place is now dark and empty. I text Charlie to tell him I’ve arrived and ask him where the heck are these near dead bears? Am I in the wrong place? Calm down Vince, he texts, his sources tell him it’s going to be another couple of days. Oh great, I’m up here freezing my fricking feathers off and there’s no bear on the menu tonight? I text him back and I tell him he better come up with a plan B or I’ll literally be eating crow. He tells me to head out to a place called the Mellon Arena on Monday night, apparently they're serving up a little snack called Ovie Hors d’oeuvres. Why not, I say to myself I’ve come this far, nothing wrong with a little appetizer to whet the appetite before the big meal. I grabbed a few hours of shuteye and managed to gobble down a couple of sorry looking mice that were about as satisfying as celery. I’m heading over there now. Stay tuned tomorrow.

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